Personal
by Rosemarie Alanna Ann Belikov
Summary: Just something I wrote at school while thinking... it's my personal thoughts...
1. Depression

It makes no sense. Not just one thing, everything. I don't understand why humans were brought onto this Earth, why people enjoy living, if in the end we're all hurt. Problems are the only things that are always around. Friends, family members, lovers, they never stay for long. But the problems do. Why is that? I believe that everything happens for a reason… and I'm beginning to think that the reason why so many bad things happen to me is for one of two reasons. One: I wasn't meant to be on this Earth for longer than my teen years. Or Two: Things that happen to me will make me stronger, have a better future. I'm not sure which one will come first. I won't give up. Why give up? If you're going to go down, go down with a fight. I want that future, a future with a husband or wife, kids. I want to sell my works, be able to live off of that and whatever my husband or wife chooses to do for their career. I think the only reason I'm here right now, breathing and not in some plot in the cemetery I live only a few blocks away from is because of family. I would never want to put my family through all of the baggage that comes with suicide. And, I want to know what my life will be like ten, twenty, thirty years from now. I want to see who the love of my life is, see the child I hope to raise properly. But then I begin to think, what is that family I hope to have never comes and I end up alone? Will I be able to live on just my writing? What if I don't write? What if I never get something published? What's the point of living life if you can't live it the way you want? Exactly. There isn't a point. Still, I hope that I'll have that. Then I begin to think, what if I have all of that but I still have my depression. Can I really continue living life the way I am, dark thoughts, constant crying and pain, plans for death. Yes, I have my good days, but a good day always comes down. In bed, every night, I feel horrible. I can't stop thinking about things I could have done differently, could have changed. The life I could have if those things changed. I love my life. Most things. Another thing I think about is what if a bunch of people find out that I'm bi-sexual. I don't care and am completely open about my personal sexuality, but others aren't. What if bullying begins, and it's bad? What then? Will my depression deepen, will I begin to get worse, and will I cut again? Spend hours of time in the shower like I have before? Will I lose my love of writing? I'm a helper, if others aren't happy; I'm hell-bent on helping them. Maybe I need to stop that. Stop caring so much about others and care more about myself. Take more care about myself. Damn. Why does life need to be so hard? What's the point of living if you no longer want too…?


	2. The Crush that Shouldn't Be

Today I'm here to vent. I met her in the beginning of the year. 8th grade. When I first met her, I didn't think she liked me, and I didn't like her. I thought she was taking my place with my friends. Taking my place in everything. Then I got to know her more. We bonded over One Direction, Glee, things like that, had sleepovers, and hung out together... I've tried to deny it, but I can't anymore. I like her. I like her a hell of a lot more than just a friend should. The thing is, she's straight, well, as far as I know she is. Lately I've been trying not to fall anymore... it's not working. We went to a school dance together as friends and I even got her a rose. She didn't think anything of it. I didn't want her too. Then one day, outside, she took my hand while walking up to the school after lunch. That certainly didn't help... we've been getting even closer lately. Ugh. I wish that it was easier. But it's not, of course, its life...

I don't know what to do anymore.

* * *

**-Rosemarie Alanna**


	3. Love

There's this girl.

She seems perfect. We've know each other for a short time but I feel so close to her. So very close. I can't help but feel the way I do about this girl. This girl who is so magnificent.

She doesn't think she's as fantastic as I do. I wish she could see how amazing she is.

She's beautiful. She has amazing eyes that I could stare into forever. I want to just run my hands though her hair and hold her perfect body close to mine. I want to kiss her soft looking lips and never let her go.

She has such an amazing skill for art. Drawing. She's the best I've ever seen. She's so loving and caring and I feel like she's the only person I can connect to when it comes to how 'crazy' I am. She understands me in a way that others can't. I love talking with her, when I speak to her, I feel so happy, the happiest I've been in a very long time. We met under some circumstances that were the great, but I'm glad it happened. I'm glad it happened because I've fallen in love with her.


	4. Fight

It's emotion time.

What I will be speaking about in this chapter relates to the pervious chapter. The girl. Her name is Naomi. She's fantastic. She truly is. Funny and witty and she can keep up with me, so much that it takes me, a person who has no issues with coming up with snappy comebacks, a few minutes to think. But not only that. She's beautiful, with amazing hair, and features, and eyes, she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. She's artistic and sweet and loving. Naomi is a great friend of mine, which makes loving her all the more better, but harder at the same time.

It doesn't help that there are other people who she has an interest in. She loves me, but she loves her as well. And it's a bitch. We are also separated by distance. Even then I am sure we can make it work. I know for a fact that I would be a great girlfriend to her and even though she doesn't think it, I know she will be a great girlfriend to me.

I love her very much and I want her to be _mine. _

Now, there is something you all need to know about me. I. Am. Stubborn. And I don't go down without a fight. Yes, some will think it sounds stupid, some will think it's romantic, and others... well I'm just not sure what you will think. But in the end, this is my own view on this, my emotions, and they are not to be judge.

... Basically what I'm trying to say throughout this entire thing is: I'm in love. I love this girl more than anything and I am willing to do anything I need to do to be with her... end of story.

Naomi, I love you.


	5. Naomi

Hello everyone,

I would first like to say hello and thank you to those who reviewed the few previous chapters. Well, do you all remember the girl I was talking about? Naomi? Well, I am madly in love with this beautiful woman who seems to have been put on this Earth just for me. She's everything to me. Everything. This ravishing, funny, artistic, romantic girl is the most important thing in my life and I can't imagine her not being in it.

While trying to win over her heart, and make her mine, I would not give up. I was extremely stubborn and due to it... we are now in a relationship. We began to go out on the fifteenth of May and these past few days have been the best of my life. We have recently been talking nearly twenty-four seven and try to Skype for as long as we can.

The moment I see I her face I just stare onto the screen, taking in the beauty that is her. I can't help it.

I cannot wait until the day where I can fall asleep and wake up with her by my side, in my arms. Never will I let her go. Never. I plan on loving her for the rest of my life. And I mean it. I may be young, but I am very mature for my age and I know what I want in life. Her. As long as I have her I am happy. When I wake up in the morning I instantly go onto Facebook to see if she's on or has messaged me, and when I go to bed I think about when I can wake up to do just that. I think about all of the sweet words we've shared together. All of the moments we've shared have made me one hundred and fifty percent sure that one day she will be my wife.

There will be challenges, but true love will always last.


	6. Your Fat Uncle

**One of the reviews I've gotten:**

**Your fat uncle:Oh, wow. You're 14 and pansexual. Yay for the internet teaching**  
** you how to masturbate with everything. You've been doing the racial minority**  
** family maid a lot lately?**

** Please, you're just a little girl who still can't figure out why she had her**  
** first effing period and is trying to sound cool in an internet site where**  
** nobody effing cares about your hormonal disorder-driven idiocy that you put in**  
** word and then publish here to waste space with your irrelevance.**

** Upload this garbage somewhere else.**

** Reported.**  
** Hah, "pansexual" my ass.**

One: Fuck you. Yes, I am fourteen and pansexual. People younger then me know their own sexuality. And dear, no one had to teach me how to masturbate. And I bet that's all you get a damn chance to do considering if you treat others like this, you will never get laid. And no I have not doing the family maid, I did my ex-best friend.

I know why I had my first period. I can have baby now! Woo! And in a couple of years, when I do decided to have a family with my future wife, I'll just look back on this and think about how your at your home, sitting in your own self pity. I'm not trying to sound cool. I'm trying to get out my emotions. This is a site where we can be accepted. Not just for the fiction, but ourselves as well. Would you rather read this or a fiction about someone fucking One Direction?

Report me. I haven't been writing on this site for months.

Love,

Rosemarie Alanna Ann Belikova.


End file.
